Still water runs deep

Lifted from Soyunperdedor

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 23:25:26 +0200

USING ONLY ONE WORD:

Where is your mobile phone?
There.

Your significant other?
Home.

Your hair?
Head.

Your mother?
Dead.

Your father?
Vague.

Your favourite thing?
~~Comb.~~ *Edit. Toothbrush.

Your dream last night?
Unrecorded.

Your favourite drink?
Tea.

Your dream/goal?
Energy.

What room are you in?
Stairway.

Your hobby?
Preening.

Your fear?
Looping.

Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Home.

Where were you last night?
Marquee.

Something that you aren't?
Ambitious.

Muffins?
Crumpets!

Wish list item?
GHD's.

Last thing you did?
Chatted.

What are you wearing?
Dress.

TV?
Downstairs.

Your pets?
None.

Friends?
Varied.

Your life?
Progressing.

Your mood?
Ok.

Missing someone?
James/Diego.

Drinking?
Nope.

Smoking?
Nope.

Your car?
None.

Something you're not wearing?
Girdle.

Your favourite store?
Londis.

Your favourite colour?
Blue.

When is the last time you cried?
Dunno.

Where do you go to over and over?
Tap.

Five people who email me regularly?
Email! ~~In one word?~~

My favourite place to eat?
Maharani's.

Favourite place I'd like to be at right now?
Sofa.

Comments

Raising my alcohol tolerance

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 13:44:37 +0200

Ended up stopping off at the pub on the way back from the train station last night and staying out late getting hammered. Two of my mates had said they were having a meal there and to stop off. Then bumped into another mate of mine and her bloke, then two work mates of the boyf's. Fun was had by all. The boyf was mashed, was very amusing. We had a little dance and sing in the street on the way to subway... er, like I said, we were a little worse for wear.
*Edit - one of my favourite bits of the night was him pissed in Subway singing along to Savage Gardens 'I want you'.
Word perfect.

I'm dressed and ready for the lesbian wedding now though the cousin says we don't need to set off til 3.45pm he was planning to arrive 3pm anyway incase I needed chivvying along

Due to extra time now questioning my outfit decision.

At the moment it's a white linen knee length dress with a rainbow belt and orange shoulder shrug cardy. But now think it makes me look ma-hoo-sive. Might change to the black dress with tulip shaped skirt. The black one shows cleavage. It's the high neckline with me boobs that means the white makes me look like a fat tart I reckon. I mean, I am a fat tart, but more of the tart than fat would be preferable.

What would you wear? I'm considering a silk scarf as well. I got a load more from a charity shop recently, got a bit of a thing for them.
Might wear folded as head band instead of jauntily round the neck trailing into the cleavage.

Had one of those moments day before yesterday and cut myself a fringe. Looks goooooood.

So, any outfit inspiration anyone? Unless you want to go 'ooooh' when you tell me your contribution isn't coming from the right place

Comments

Todays outfit.

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 17:30:13 +0200

Dark jeans with hem that looks like cuffs, navy fabric belt with fire buckle, thin longish pink t-shirt with three shiny stripes down the side in green pink and yellow with imbetween stripes diff shades same colour, fair isle style cardigan blue, diff blue, green, greeny brown & white. green glasses today.

I might put my green neon dangly earrings on before I head out.

Going to take more bottles to the recycling and pick up Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull from the video shop. Popping into welsh-teacher-friends for a cup of tea before I go meet the boyf at the train station coming home from work.

Need to hang out a load of laundry before I go.

And try again to get the lid off a jar of plum sauce preserve (courtesy of the current housemate, who rocks). Doing chicken breast with mushroom and onion for tea. With oven chips. Classy.

Currently listening to an old mix tape entitled 'mum's mix' (9 years yesterday since she passed away), disturbingly enjoyable considering it includes Annie Lennox, Dire Straits, Cat Stevens, Gladys Knight, Peggy Lee, and The Cardigans.

I like the mundanity of my posts.
I would compose one with a topic, y'know, be a bit less ignorant.
However I prefer just to read Soy or MJohnsons. Or Barcardincoke's but he appears to have disappeared while I've been neglecting blogland.

Comments

Another book extract

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 04:15:27 +0200

I have previously shared some of my fave book passages. The following is from the book I finished today. Anne Tyler, Digging To America. It came free with Psychologies magazine which the boyf bought me yesterday (he knows how to treat me lol). I was fairly thrilled when I realised I had read another Anne Tyler book, Dinner At The Homesick restaurant, and eventually loved it. So this one I devoured. If I was so inclined I'd attempt a book review. Especially since it's style is not a Nick Hornby that I know back to front and with first person revelations to quote. So, anyway, here we are page 177 in my copy:

"Isn't it odd," Maryam said. "Just like that, a completely unknown person is a part of their family forever. Well, of course that's true of a birth child, too, but. . . I don't know, this seems more astonishing."
"To me, both are astonishing," Dave said. "I remember before Bitsy was born, I used to worry she might not be compatible with the two of us. I told Connie, `Look at how long we took deciding whom we'd marry, but this baby's waltzing in out of nowhere, not so much as a background check or a personality quiz. What if it turns out we don't have shared interests?'"
Maryam laughed and wrapped her coat more closedly around her.
They didn't speak again until they were in her car, merging onto the highway with the ticket booth behind them. Then Dave said,
"How about Sami and Ziba? Think they'll adopt another?"
"I suspect they feel that one child is all they can afford." Maryam told him. "What with the cost of private schools these days."
"They don't believe in supporting public education?"
She sent him a sideways look but said nothing; merely drove for several minutes in silence. Her profile, edged in silver by the passing headlights, seemed icy and austere, the long slant of her nose impossibly straight.
"Although I guess that's a very personal decision." He said finally.
She said, "Yes."
He felt a surge of rebelliousness. What right did this woman have to act so superior?" He said, "You know, it wouldn't do you any harm to indulge in a little to-and-fro discussion."
She sent him an even briefer glance and went back to watching the road.
"You could tell me for instance, the that Baltimore public schools are abysmal. I could say, well, yes, but if the parents are involved I still had some hope we could change things. Then you could say you didn't want to sacrifice your granddaughter's future to that hope. I could handle that! I wouldn't fall apart!"
Still she didn't speak but she seemed to be fighting back a smile.
"You act as if you think you're so right that you don't need to bother arguing," he said.
She said "I do?" and now she gave him a full on stare of surprise.

Ok. That'll do for the book extract as I need to get to bed now. I really enjoyed the following exchange about Christmas and belonging too though.

Comments

Finish The Sentance Meme

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 03:33:44 +0200

Stolen from Magical Mystery Tour

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss ... um. I haven't realised anything about it. It better not be my last.

2. I am listening to ... the laptop fan whirr.

3. I talk ... we talk, everybody talk talk.

4. I love ... giggling with delight. Sex. Him. Lots of stuff.

5. My best friend/s ... are my cousin and my brother my vegan actress friend and my two traveller friends

6. My first real kiss ... hm, real, so not a dare, in that case was probably with my best friend when I was thirteen before she dumped me. Though it was never admitted. So I think when I was sixteen at a house party, drunk, with a guy called Sam who went down on me then later when he thought I'd conked out spent an hour in the kitchen trying very hard to pull some other girl by discussing their predicted straight A's. Ur. Not a quality memory.

7. Love is ... entirely rosy at the moment. Usually I'd say many layered, complicated, tolerant, and probably refer to family love being important to me. But recently I fell in love for the first time since the first time. And it's wonderful. Simple. Easy. Feels meant to be. Can't believe I didn't fall for him earlier. I was blind.

8. Marriage is ... a good statement of intent, loyalty. Weddings I am in no rush for.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking ... I'll just flip over the pillow to get to the cool side.

10. I'll always ... have a past.

11. The last time I really cried was because ... genuinely can't remember.

12. My cell phone ... is often not reached in time cuz my bag is always full of rubbish.

13. When I wake up in the morning ... I'm supremely comfortable. And always have ridiculous bed hair.

14. Before I go to bed ... I brush my teeth and pee.

15. Right now I am thinking about ... how come it was so nice to have my boyfriend insist on kissing me before he went even though I would only let him kiss me on one side of my mouth - because although it's invisible I can feel a sore bit, pre-cursor to the dreaded cold sore. He's so funny, and affectionate. Mostly I'm not thinking. His face is all. Image just keeps floating back to front and centre. Honestly it's completely involuntary.

16. Babies are ... a bloody terrifying thought.

17. I get on Myspace ... nope

18. Today I ... enforced an evening off from the boyf (though he still popped in on the way home from work), which I have squandored in splendor, hence coming on here so late.

19. Tomorrow I will be ... having to eat the tupperware tub of sausage casserole before it's wasted.

20. I really want to be ... better.

21. Someone that will most likely repost this is ... no idea. I've been out of the blogosphere.

Comments

I just had to change slippers

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 15:30:04 +0200

The dirty devil ones were getting a bit sweaty.

Comments

Contented

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 00:48:02 +0100

I love my blue hat.
But it only works when my hair is worn down.

Comments

Saturday before Xmas text dialogue

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 22:58:30 +0100

Me "So we're both just chillin tonight. Would it still be an easy evening if i'd invited you over? Or was I right and you'd have said no it's a hassle cuz of transport?"
Him "I could pop over if you fancy. don't mind"
Me "Leaving it up to me, feel the power heh, yeah come on be sociable."
Him "Ok, I'll be half hour or so."

Me "That did not just happen. But if it did it would have been fucking good."
Him "Haha yeah probably. But just friends though, yeah?"
Me "Excuse me, do I look like I'm co-operating with my own bright ideas right now? No. I'm having stoned fantasies where you're pushing me against the wall."
Me "'That's all I've got' in fucking deed. Ha!"
Him "Behave woman! Thought you were happy not to fuck things up by something happening?"
Me "Hm."
Me "Hm. Possibly think we could reduce our friendship to using each other anyway. I'm feeling very demanding."
Him "Cold shower time for you girl!"
Me "You're not enjoying this for the right reason text whore. X."
Him "Behave! Read these tomorrow when you're sober!"
Me "Shit. No. Don't ever tell me about anyone about me like older-woman-who-came-on-to-him-at-work-party. And P.S"
Him "Don't worry I won't say anything. Said some open things in the past after a few myself! Night"
Me "I'm still pouting even though my persuasion has got me nowhere."
"Night."
Me "P.S no need to reference that i'm not sober. I'm super uninhibited and can admit to that myself it just doesn't stop me wanting my own way. But I am gonna stop now."
Me "It's great the way being stoned slows everything down. I went from a stage of thinking, hm, jealousy, to humiliation, hm, i still want to ask what you would have done if i'd pulled you towards me. But actually I had already been more than obvious."
Me "Ok I'm not going to feel better unless you come over to watch star wars tomorrow so that I can prove I can keep my hands to myself"
Me "Actually you could have done me the courtesy of being a sure thing after Thursday. Funny? Goodnight. Sorry"
Him "Haha sorry! Night"
Me "I meant to say forgiven? Rather than funny. But that worked too. Bye."

Him "Hi how's things this morning?"
Me "Ha. Just woken up. Slight headache. Utterly grateful to you. Obviously need to go on a few dates. I didn't think I was bothered but... Heh oh god. Mortifying. It'll be a brilliant anecdote but I think I'll give it time first."
Him "Haha yeah, thought you were going to tie me up to stop me leaving! i'm meant to be watching sw at diz's but i'll let you know if that's off"

Him "This film has the worst screen romance in the history of cinema. But the start and end are good"
me "Just this second got in from local-nature-reserve-where-'d-gone-for-a-walk-with-my-sister-neice-and-sisters-husband and turned it on. The chancellor is creepy."
him "Do you not know who the chancellor is?"
me "Yes I do."
him "That's why he's creepy. Baddie. Boo!"
me "Nice move Obi Wan"
him "Cant you just feel the chemistry there."
me "Hayden Christianson can't act for toffee. In jumpers he was completely outshone by Jamie Bell. anyway, give me ewan mcgreggor anyday over pretty boy."

me "Ooh Nice house. Ooh Nice retreat."
him "Sure is. Bloody news"
me "Amen"

Comments

Fridsay 2nd January 2009

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:43:02 +0100

About 5.30pm:
Text from B* "wOULD YOU LIKE 2 COME ROUND 4 TEA. i'Ve cooked too much gammon! No worries either way which hope u well x"
me "Sounds excellent. Just finished work will make my way over."
Text from G***: "Up for a drink?"
me "I need alcohol."
G*** "I have a litre of whisky"
me "dude that works"
B* "grand see ya soon x x"
G*** "Pizza?"
Me "Hm, better than my current offer (gammon but with d* & the b* as compensatory company). However I veto Papa Luigi's. Yours or mine?"
G*** "Yours. No 4 year old at yours."
Me to B* "Bollocks. I've been asked for a drink by G*** and I really want to go, do you mind?"
Me to G*** "K. I'm not on the bus yet though."
B* "Not at all have fun!"
G*** "That's ok. Let me know and i'll phone a taxi when you are."
Me "Oh my god save yourself a tenner and get the bus yourself! It's direct!"
G* "That one we used goes along T*** Road, it's the one from work that's direct isn't it?"
Me "Ah that's the one in the opposite direction but dinna faff you spendriff "
G*** "!
See you later then."
Me "I'm home."
G*** "Ok I'll be half an hour."
Now 6.42pm. Hasty tidy up must commence.

Comments

New Years Day 2009

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:40:17 +0100

I'm fine to carry on.
I only chatted shit failing to paint the picture I intended, on one stand out time today. It was something about J* (SLASH D****) arriving in each room after me at the New Years party last night and wanting a moment I wasn't going to give him.
It sounded too heavily like I was getting at something so therefore didn't convey what I took from it. I wish that only E* had been there and G*** hadn't also come outside work for a cigarette at that time.
I wonder if I can convey now why I felt the moment was significant, a story worth repeating. It's that J* put me in that position. And I wish my behaviour had been completely graceful when I recognised it. And for instance, it's disrespectful to repeat the story to E* unless she understood it was partly about the human condition, because of some delightful awkwardness, when S* interrupted to get radiator heat so stood between us, then S (told me later) saw a dirty look from J*. S was really obvious about leaving us alone when he scarpered away.
Like a self fulfilling prophecy. Or like not thinking before I spoke. Somehow in telling the story as G* was there to witness. Oh it just went wrong. I said I felt bad for J. Which I did. But I also said I wasn't trying to be arrogant thinking he was following me around. There was no delicacy to what I said. I was conscious it could be read by G* as comparison from me rejecting J** to G* rejecting me. So it became like that. It was light in my head, but like collapsed souffle on my tounge.
Despite this, I feel I am fine to carry on moving away from such behaviour. One aberration does not mean I never have any control over myself. (I did not text him at all New Years eve). (And I'm not bothering to second guess why when he was off the phones he chose to delay going on break to the same time as me. Maybe my performances are amusing like a horror show, but anyway it doesn't mean something and I don't think there's any worth in forcing meaning in there).
I need to be cool. Let's face it. What's the point of chasing the idea of someone. They need to see something in me. Love the fact I can roll like a pro. Love that my hair is different every day. Love that sometimes I have to think outloud and make a fool out of myself. And I guess am painfully genuine. Understand I'm not trying to lecture when I sound painfully sincere, that I'm usually trying to convince myself of something. Who can remind me I'm not always like that and who brings out my relaxed side where I don't hate everything I say and can banter. I need to get to a place where I can allow someone to get that close to me.
I actually asked M*** the other day what the dealbreaker is with me. It was brilliant because I was in a really uninhibited mood and somehow it got an answer out of him. He said I analyse too much. Sching ound like someone from Dawson's Creek. Burn! I like that I've got friendlier as I get older and get different reactions out of people.
Ok, I'm currently watching this but also in the background is the film Definitely Maybe. I want to quote the line they quote from Jane Eyre. So I've just rewound. To the bit where Will is getting completely wrong telling April he likes her.
Which reminds me I've worked out I lost it that Saturday night I sat on the sofa opposite G*** reminded him of the THursday work Xmas party before and over-talked. I thought I was being, fuck knows. I was happy at the time with the laid back way I brought up him briefly dating someone I'm still friends with. (Oh shit hilarious used the line 'we don't have any rose tinted spectacles about each other do we?' To partially mitigate myself he'd brought round stuff to smoke and I'm a lightweight since most of this year I've taken a break and haven't bought my own since I think month of March). (Laid back obviously not the case, it's telltale behaviour, showing I'm anxious. And I think when I relate to people I need to get into better habits of showing them not telling them and communicate my message with my whole being. It's better if I'm being honest with myself).
Really I wanted to know what he thought but left no space for that. Of course I had re-read the thing I'd written about the time I realised he wanted a goodbye hug when I hadn't been thinking about it, then gave him one and it revertebrated through me. That added to the not being able to stop thinking about him thing. I've lost it since then again and again trying to come up with explainations to dismiss feelings I'm having. Really if I was deciding to be sensible and had to convince myself then the ticket should be to not acknowledge it and certainly not give it space and let it reduce in size. Which will be the technique I will continue to adopt from now on. If I torture myself over my cringe worthy moment today that is once again increasing it's status. Like, at the moment, there is little chance me and G*** will remain buddies who see each other if I get a new job, so why worry about someone who will simply be an old acquaintance in time to come?
Anyway, the Jane Eyre quote:
"The human heart has hidden treasures
In secret kept, in silence sealed.
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed."

I think I'm done here. I guess this encapsulates my New Years Resolution. And I don't mean don't think too much. It was going to be to be kind to myself.

I was just writing this for the sake of writing but I have now decided to blog it.

Comments

Wednesday 2nd July 2008 laptop diary copied and pasted

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 21:31:51 +0100

I feel so ugly. I feel so powerless and dull and self-destructive. And stupid. Less than a person. No wonder I'm single. No wonder. I fake all the time. I fake being happy. I fake confidence. Because it makes it better, so my life isn't a complete nightmare. But I'm losing my grip at the moment. I can't seem to persuade myself. I fill my time with displacement activities. Smoking. Watching telly. Watching DVD's. Reading. I can't seem to help myself. I list in my head things I need to do. But it's barely more than I can do to get out of bed. Showering. Brushing my teeth morning and night. Making myself food. Wearing clean clothes. That's about as much as I manage. Going to see A Midsummers Nights Dream in the park. Going to the pub quiz. Cooking for B* and D**. Picking up teabags for T and T* because I always have a cup of tea when I go round there. Making it to N****s birthday meal - when others don't. I can manage to do things for my friends. By all appearences I'm holding things together. But I can feel they're not. Changing my sheets regularly, never having a bare mattress. Doing facemasks twice a week. At least I'm not a stoner anymore. If this down had hit while I still was I would have managed to lose my job. As it is I know I've been late a few times. It hasn't been picked up on yet. But what am I fucking doing getting taxi's to work? I've managed to get up in time. But I just can't bring myself to leave the house. Must blow dry my fringe. Must cover up fucking skin. My god. I cried at a cancer research advert earlier today. And I'm not pre-menstrual. I did 25 sit ups. Whoopdy fucking do. I did the washing up. I emptied my bathroom bin. I got dressed long enough to go to the shop and get rizlas. Which is an improvement on yesterday when I thought about having a cigarette for four hours but didn't go to the shop to get tobacco until 5pm even though it's across the fucking road.

Comments

Todays Outfit

Fri, 19 Sep 2008 00:14:17 +0200

Pink blue and brown v neck shirt, green tank top, dark green linen trousers with turns ups, brown boots. And purple cardy because I'm constantly cold.

I disagree with everyone else - we DID have a decent summer this year.
Especially compared to last year.
I was just in work most of the good days, so only got to enjoy it at lunchtime.

Comments

My life is like GroundHog Day

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 20:33:07 +0100

Repetitive, which is ultimately depressing, despite the occasional bit of comic relief.

A very zen reference obviously.

My new years resolution is for it not to be.

By the way, I am in a bloody amazingly good mood at the moment, how are you?

or ?

P.S My absence explaination is the battery dying on the laptop and being without internet access. I feel honoured that I crossed some minds, dears.

P.P.S While temporarily online I've spied on a few blogs

P.P.P.S My birthday was nice enough thank you. Almost mid-twenties. What have I been doing with my life? Well, rhetorical question, I can remember ~~most of it anyway~~

P.P.P.P.S I got myself a 2008 diary when I was at the post office yesterday (picking up provisional driving licence form and form for new passport, also getting a job application at a shop). I didn't purchase with the intention to abandon blog and get journalistic on its pages, more for writing down birthdays, being organised, "ooh it'll help me change my life" - yuh huh. Ahem, I mean Yuh huh. In a cynical way. E.G:
New Years resolutions: smoke less, groom better, try and sort my mottled cheeks out once and for all, lose weight i.e eat better and exercise more ~~or at all~~, sort career out, sort out place to live on my own, get doing some Further Education (because I am SO bored) (and need more qualifications for career and sensible money/independence aim), improve mind. It was entirely predictable and Bridget Jones-esque. I can't write that well but you get the over-earnest gist. I found it amusing.

In order to do what the general free floating advice somewhere recommends, and break it down into small manageable specific aims and tasks, my revised New Years Resolution:
Never paint my nails again - it always chips within a day and is entirely pointless. I just don't get it - what is nail varnish about? WHAT IS IT'S APPEAL?

Comments

Todays Outfit

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 20:16:08 +0100

Brown boots
Brown patterned tights
denim skirt
brown v-necked jumper long sleeved
wooly orange cardigan, the one with three big buttons at the top, and bell sleeves with a strap buttoned around the elbow.
blond bob with fringe (hair cut last week).
green glasses.

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Thoughts, stuff, and nonsense

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 03:55:12 +0100

Facebook message received 1.47am

nice picture lol. i took a better one wile u were asleep tho. clothed of course. u still being all lonesome and silent? tryin to set one of these things up. they make no sense to me grrr.

Creep.

Comments

Todays outfit

Fri, 16 Nov 2007 21:52:12 +0100

Brown flat gathered-up-the-inside-with-a-thread-buckle-slouchy shiny boots
my favourite pale blue jeans, they make my ass look great but now have rip in the back of the thigh
soft green jumper with sleeves in ribbed arrow cut on outside of elbows (a detail I love, neeeeeiggggggh to tight cuffs on jumpers), narrow and low neckline again with wide ribbed cut
long sleeved green leopard print top underneath.

Now, I need to decide what to pack for Birmingham tomorrow, am visiting The-Mighty (his surname rhymes with Boosh) and his boyfriend, and they're taking me and china-girl to Snobs. Last time my flatmate got declined entry due to being bladdered so hoping to get in this time.

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Adventures in the life of Josie

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 03:17:54 +0100

This week I have:
Watched Shooting Fish and Shameless round China-Girls.
Been cancelled on by my brother to cut his hair three times.
Monday: Had a guy at the bus station start telling me how he'd been visiting his friend at the mental ward at the bus station, then follow me outside when I went for a cigarette to continue telling me how him brother killed himself, how he used to be an alcoholic and a carer until his mother died, and how his ex-girlfriend used to abuse him. I wasn't being nasty but it was a bit much.
Got a taxi to work twice, not because I was actually up too later, but because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house an hour and a half before my shift start. I regret the money seriously because I now have £68 in my bank account to last the rest of the month. £26 of which needs to go to china-friend because we booked our train tickets to Birmingham on the phone at her house because she was 6 hours late getting home and so we weren't meeting at the train station to buy them as originally planned.
Bumped into a guy on the bus who bummed a cigarette off me at the bus station about two months ago and is from the same town in Canada as my cousins, I got told off last time because I didn't find out his name but they reckoned it was a small enough place that they'd know him. Found out his name. Discovered it was actually his middle name as he was showing me his ID's asking whether he should grow a goatee again, his explaination for not using his real name is that it makes him sound like an asylum seeker. Right. Very bad photos. Looks better with short dreadlocks now. This time I found out what subject he's doing as post-grad over here, not that I know what zooology is doing (I think it was a test or a joke when he said he wants to run a zoo) he also offered me a spliff (I've severely gone off it, paranoia is real for me, I smoke and the world seems threatening and I start thinking about the chain of where it comes from as well and my role in society, and the thoughts just won't go away, it wasn't like this smoking with my gay-best-friend-forever, damn him going off and getting married and moving away, I miss him), and he asked for my number to take me to dinner sometime. He had been drinking cider round a friends on an early Tuesday evening and I thought I could smell it, but then he said that and it made sense that he was stoned as well.
Wednesday went straight from work to see a workmate sing in a bar competition, had three pints and a glass of fizzy wine and was giddy and having fun, bonded with the older workmates, cheered enthusiastically for the one who was singing, had a dance off with chinese-afro-boy (who china girl has been seeing who used to work with my current workmates) danced with a guy who I thought was gay from his stage performance, but who obviously wasn't after that dancing, got chatted up by some other guy who looks really like my drug-addled old friend who has the same name as a politician, who was then telling me how he's worked in a callcentre for 10 years and they keep trying to screw him over for having time off ill when his diabetes causes him problems but he's so far got £25000 damages out of them and is going to court again, who also seemed drunk, and said he needed an assistant for his quiz nights and could make £400 a night - though he didn't/wouldn't explain exactly what the job he was offering would entail (!). I quite fancied this northerner who was down for work and staying at the hotel my brother works at. The workmate who had offered to give me a lift to stop me leaving to get the last bus pissed off without me, so went to a seventies club with afro-haired-chinese guy and acne-boy - who I also already knew through china-girl and other mutual mates and who also used to work with my current work-mates - boogied like an idiot at the seventies club - where notherner-bloke had followed us - I'm still in my work clothes by the way and looking quite lesbian with the collar of my black shirt turned up, hair in a low ponytail, I was quite liking my look and was obviously suffering from high self esteem what with being so amusing and charming (and drunk). As couldn't get home had to kip round chinese-afro-boys near town centre, which I was not happy about really as I love my own bed and hadn't planned on such a night out - plus though I'm friendly with them they're not my friends so much. Regretted having a toke at afro-boys when he went to let his cat in the flat then acted like he was interrupting something between me and acne-boy when he came back in the living room, which could not have been further from the truth. The one toke was obscenely strong and I really felt drugged and drunk out of proportion and like it was dangerous. I tried to offset this by having enthusiastic conversation about retro-video-games (can't remember how that started). I got given his bed as apparently he always sleeps on the sofa. Was horrible and skanky without sheets or duvet-cover and acne-boy came in to share the other half of the bed and I knocked away a cuddling arm several times and slept with my fists clenched ready to punch. Maybe slight over-reaction, but I felt safer that was prepared to be rude and feeling very fucked off. I don't like either of them now. A pity because I found acne-boy pleasant before he decided to fancy me. Went home 7am in the morning and had an hours kip as was on late shift myself, and that was a good bit of sleep.
Thursday met ex-pat-friend off the bus on way home as wanted to go see the band that guy-I-fancy drums in, but turns out both bands cancelled the gig the day before. Was relieved to get to go home even if it was disgustingly late as had spent two hours in town. Stupid buses. Watched Heroes which my flatmate had taped from BBC3 for me. Yey! How good was that?
Slept until 2.30pm today when china-girl woke me up with a phone call to say she'd be round after she'd been to the gym. Was originally woken up at 9.30am by one of my cousins phoning from Canada to talk to my landlord, she's the one who is ill, so I may have been over-helpful offering to ring him at work and tell him to turn his phone on for his breaktime so she could call him. She hates that being-treated-differently-because-she's-dying-stuff but luckily she didn't notice. I think if she was away at 2.30am her time and wanted to talk to her brother her mind was on other things.
Before I was woken up the first time I was dreaming about caressing girls boobs so I almost didn't answer the phone.
When I went back to sleep I dreamt about a 19 year old quiet lad from work, which was very pleasant, basically we were just running around trying to find somewhere to shag in private. He's tall, has a gorgeous butt, blatantly spents hours on his black indie fringe and plastering his hair to the side of his face in the perfect shape every morning, and always has perfectly ironed shirts. A whole two of them. Think I'm in heat again. Or lonely. (But not for just anyone, still feel justified ending things with the-lanky-streak-of-piss, and maintain I did the right thing, while also singing in my head 'you can't handle me' when I feel bad for hurting him). Stonking dream kisses with player-boy, woke up smiling.
This evening was more the kind of lifestyle that to be honest I like and want, video evening. Babel then Starter for Ten. Hmm. James McAvoy.
Though surprisingly the best time I've had in the last week was when I was supposed to meet ex-f-buddy-numero-deux for a coffee but was running late, so he came round here, and we did face-masks and hand and feet and back massages and watched the Girl Next Door and John Tucker Must Die, and cooked together.
Tomorrow I'm on late shift again, so going straight from work to my teacher friends wine and cheese night. This is welsh-girl and sprite-boy, and the-red-dawg and his girlfriend (he works at a school as an I.T tech and she's another teacher!) will be there, possibly demi-ginger-girl and her fiance-my-first will be there, and china-girl is bringing naaarfalk-boy. I feel safe with them. And there is NO FRIGGING WAY I'm being convinced to go uptown after that. I don't need it to make my night complete. And if I miss the last bus home I'm imposing on my eldest brother to give me his sofa as he lives near them.

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Todays book extract

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:50:09 +0200

"I've always been bad at arguing. Cassie was always good. I preferred it that way. She was always convincing me to do things I didn't want to do. I convinced her of nothing. I didn't mind - I didn't want the responsibility. I knew - from my own experience of being convinced - that while it is possible to win people over to your opinion, this is only a good outcome superficially. Because after a while, some tiny thing will go wrong, at which point they will revert to their earlier viewpoint, and resent you for bullying them out of it (and for exposing their weak will - so you won't have won after all).
If Tim didn't want my children then I wasn't going to argue. I just wouldn't have children.
I informed him that I'd return the following day to collect my thesaurus, my thermal vest, and other essentials. It occured to me that I now had the rest of my life to correct the nation's grammar. I should feel grateful that - at least, within my head and possibly a notebook, in which I'd detail each mistake and my amendments - the world would now be orderly, regulated and error-free. i also had to think about keeping myself warm, as there was no one else to do it. The next afternoon, I found my belongings in a plastic bag on the doorstep."

Our first person narrator for that chapter, Lizbet, walks away from the house with a face like a barracuda, and as the story resolves she reassesses her relationship with her sister Cassie, and fixes the hurt she caused Tim, and even how she is relating to her miscarriage and her attitude/admits to her desire to try for a family. It's a involving book with a happy ending.

I would like to quote all the critics praise, just one "powerful without being didactic, moving without being sentimental, riotiusly comic without being superficial", but you can pick up the book in a bookshop and look inside the front page if you are still interested.

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13713 supposed pageviews and 471 comments later

Wed, 24 Oct 2007 02:19:13 +0200

Damn you all.
More, more, more - I will become demanding and petulant *trys to give threatening look* *result:squinty*

Fell asleep on the sofa earlier, think was only for half an hour though, woke up about 10.30pm and have not yet been successful falling asleep in bed. I wasn't reading by the way (well, tiny bit of Marian Keyes Rachels Holiday) have had light out since like 11pm.
So I'm up and blogging!
Plus, having Samantha from Sex-In-The-City problem for last few months, have lost my O. Very perplexing. It's a guarranteed sleep bringer as well, so annoying.
Just rolled and smoked my fourth cigarette for the day. And blatantly going to have a fifth when I type the next post (another book extract which caught my fancy). Only had two yesterday, but this isn't exactly quitting. Let's see how tomorrow goes, just trying to remember what it was like when I was a non-smoker. Incidentally although I said rolled I am not talking about joints, I may have mentioned in my last need-to-sort-myself-out-posting about a month ago that I'm giving myself a lifestyle change. Hasn't been absolute, but all attitude and defiance of own suggestions has been thoroughly enjoyed treat. Along those good intention lines, have not have any crisps or chocolate since before the weekend now, only just realised, yey. Have not dumped the-lanky-streak-of-piss yet despite having wobbly-commitment-phobic-over-critical moment where I was like "what the **** am I doing, he's not right, this will end badly" instead I calmed the hell down and am going with the flow, and it worked as gave me time to go "oh yeah, there, that's some of what I like in him". Will make packed lunch again for tomorrow - as my real reason against the temptation of the canteen and snacking is money might have to be like some virtuous dieter and take raw carrots to snack on. My stomach was making squeaking sounds today - I swear it was audible as it shrunk. Can't be having with that.
Hm, took little tupperware container of cut up baked potato covered in pepper with grated cheese, and copious amount of peas in today*, t'was luvverly.
Maybe pasta and tabasco sauce and cheese tomorrow, ran out of peas though *see above. Carbs (is pasta carbs? starchy empty calories anyway) and dairy, this definitely isn't a diet.

Course at work today - in theory about learning styles. A lot of psychological guff, which I have to admit I love. Useful in light of my on-going battle to not be a depressive unmotivated git and get off my arse and do something to make myself feel better.
This trainer has a reputation, but didn't make anyone in our group cry (did in yesterdays group according to lunchtime gossip). He did explain exactly what he was trying to do to us though (plus maybe was holding back due to yesterdays experience) and how he wanted to get us to think and be open minded, and one of the many theorys he was messily scribbling on a flip chart was comparing remaining in our comfort zones to a green stagnant pond. Nice use of imagery.
My head is all filled with all the jumbo-y mumbo-y-ness of whether our primary motivator is Acheivement, Affirmation, Power-Socialised or Power-Personalised, and having us place ourselves where we fit on the Victim, Spectator, Cynic, Player grid, choices and empowerment, etc. There were many more.
Always nice to have some new ideas to explore the way people relate to each other. I can easily see what I'm missing, defensive questioning sounding like I have an agenda, giving power away, not turning understanding of other peoples motivators into influencing. Blah. Not entirely new thoughts about myself, and I've gone all poncey again.
The thing is, a) I've been a bit lazy in the past, following the meek path of just trying to be nice and not admitting my own competitive side and b) felt a lot of things were out of my comfort zone so though you won't know how the hell I can be like this still, it is true that I've made some strides.
Ha ha, victim excuses.
we also got warned we limit ourselves
and that pessimists think they are realists.

I'm still not thinking of my audience in my blog, I am aware >" class="middle" border="0">
It is indeed my life.

I'm afraid one of the tasks in the workbook we got left with was to write down ten nice things about yourself, something it is somehow cringeworthy to commit to sincerely try and do. However:
1. I'm generous

ok, no, I'm going to try and be too accurate
so I'm just going to be lazy and cut and paste facebook honesty box messages:
October 21st: from a boy: "Too hot"
October 16th: from a girl: "You're funny as fuck! Rock out Josie stylee!!"
October 10th: from a boy: "I think your fun, but you need to relax a bit and not worry about what other prople think of you or what you think of you! life is for the living so dont over analysis everything and i think you will be much less stressed! plus I think your pretty!! :-)"
October 8th: from a girl: "Hi Sexy lady!

You looked amazing on Saturday X x"
September 24th: from a girl: "Josie King is a fox!"
September 10th: from a boy: "aah, Crazy Josie..."
July 24th: no gender colour highlighted: "Pretty, Witty, Smart, Sensible and down to Earth. What more can one say?!!! x"

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15 hours of sleep

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 16:35:52 +0200

I swapped shifts to work tomorrow and be off today, specifically so I could get uptown during the day during the week. Instead I slept until 3.30pm. It's obscene. I remember turning my alarm off at 9.30am. Didn't think I'd naturally sleep until that late.

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notes

Mon, 15 Oct 2007 23:14:44 +0200

My brother-nearest-my-age has bet me £1000 that I won't do the half marathon next year. Hm.
A) not that he'd have the money anyway
he wasn't serious
C) I'd love the look on his face if I did though.

So, was waiting at finish line of Great Eastern Half Marathon with lucozade and best cheering voice Sunday afternoon. My brother-in-law came in in I think an hour and 37 minutes, which I assume is good. I assume this because this man runs for enjoyment pretty much every day yet couldn't form a sentance for a good twenty minutes until after my-brother-nearest-my-age then my sister came in. Plus he had that lovely sweated-so-much-have-dried-salt-on-my-face look.
Retired to the pub near the river for a shandy or two, along with pat-sharpe-lookalike friend. (ah, image). I rewarded them with Terrys chocolate oranges. A worthy prize I feel.

I had lots of little journal-like things I was planning to blog - psycho woman at work - being 'officially' someones girlfriend - however our very small flat will be cramped in about 10 minutes when landlord and his brother (the-ginger-one-in-the-canadian-side-of-the-family) get back from the pub. (Oh my god, they just got back, giggling wenches, the telly immediately went on and the crate of beer is being raided as I type). Therefore I am just going to leave with this:

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I know what I want as my mobile screen saver

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 16:24:19 +0200

... If my mobile wasn't so retro that it didn't take photos...
the bit from 5:00

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Indecision

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 16:06:17 +0200

So many many youtube clips of Simon. Do I post one with the added pleasure of Bill Bailey (a great combo on Never Mind The Buzzcocks I feel) or with the lovely Miquita Oliver on Popworld, or by his glorious self?

Did anybody else find themselves counting the "he's cute's"?

My favourite is the Brit Awards 2005, but I've blogged that before. Bugger it, I'll blog it again:

*edit, didn't deliberately just put Simon instead of Simon Amstell in the first sentance, but it's amusing me. Of course, I have been primed for laughter by watching someone actually funny.

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I know two bloggers who will appreciate this

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 15:43:25 +0200

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Wuh hoo

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 14:00:14 +0200

I'm enjoying my day off pottering around doing stuff.

My sister just popped round for lunch (and for once my cooking wasn't a disaster, it met with approval) and turns out I left Douglas Coupland Girlfriend In A Coma round hers - she took it on holiday with her, cheeky bint. I'm gonna need to start it again from the beginning.

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Tips for Life

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 10:26:42 +0200

Tips for Life
Numero Deux

Want free batteries? Complain to cable box provider that remote isn't working because of it's age, they send a new one with batteries in it, batteries can be removed and remote sent back.

In Other News
My cousins a nincompoop.
He genuinely believed it was the age of the remote, and only realised it was the batteries in the old one once he'd received the new one.

Y'know, last time I did a tounge-in-cheek tip for life (with the eat baked beans with a spoon onto the toast at a time rather than soaking the toast through by plonking them all on at once), I don't think anyone realised that the 'in other news' about the latest minute change of plan to the wedding outfit was connected.

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Geeky pleasure before bed

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 02:37:40 +0200

Even though I'm on late shift tomorrow I should be in bed now,
here's a little of what I've been listening to:

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I keep smiling

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 00:43:13 +0200

...because of this evenings date.
I don't think I'm being a fool, but even if I am I don't want to know. Right, no second guessing!
Damn me being on late shift until Friday.

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Bear with me - sorry.

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 00:36:11 +0200

Todays food diary:
Shandy Bass
Cheese & Onion Hula Hoops
vimto
Worcester Sauce French Fries
lots of water
mince and chips for lunch
half pint of shandy
pint of shandy
shared guinness
pint of fosters
lamb&mint burger and some chips

I'm in the habit now, sorry.

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Todays food diary

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 22:24:50 +0200

An apple
third of a pizza hut spicy meat pizza

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