I'm fine to carry on.
I only chatted shit failing to paint the picture I intended, on one stand out time today. It was something about J* (SLASH D****) arriving in each room after me at the New Years party last night and wanting a moment I wasn't going to give him.
It sounded too heavily like I was getting at something so therefore didn't convey what I took from it. I wish that only E* had been there and G*** hadn't also come outside work for a cigarette at that time.
I wonder if I can convey now why I felt the moment was significant, a story worth repeating. It's that J* put me in that position. And I wish my behaviour had been completely graceful when I recognised it. And for instance, it's disrespectful to repeat the story to E* unless she understood it was partly about the human condition, because of some delightful awkwardness, when S* interrupted to get radiator heat so stood between us, then S (told me later) saw a dirty look from J*. S was really obvious about leaving us alone when he scarpered away.
Like a self fulfilling prophecy. Or like not thinking before I spoke. Somehow in telling the story as G* was there to witness. Oh it just went wrong. I said I felt bad for J. Which I did. But I also said I wasn't trying to be arrogant thinking he was following me around. There was no delicacy to what I said. I was conscious it could be read by G* as comparison from me rejecting J** to G* rejecting me. So it became like that. It was light in my head, but like collapsed souffle on my tounge.
Despite this, I feel I am fine to carry on moving away from such behaviour. One aberration does not mean I never have any control over myself. (I did not text him at all New Years eve). (And I'm not bothering to second guess why when he was off the phones he chose to delay going on break to the same time as me. Maybe my performances are amusing like a horror show, but anyway it doesn't mean something and I don't think there's any worth in forcing meaning in there).
I need to be cool. Let's face it. What's the point of chasing the idea of someone. They need to see something in me. Love the fact I can roll like a pro. Love that my hair is different every day. Love that sometimes I have to think outloud and make a fool out of myself. And I guess am painfully genuine. Understand I'm not trying to lecture when I sound painfully sincere, that I'm usually trying to convince myself of something. Who can remind me I'm not always like that and who brings out my relaxed side where I don't hate everything I say and can banter. I need to get to a place where I can allow someone to get that close to me.
I actually asked M*** the other day what the dealbreaker is with me. It was brilliant because I was in a really uninhibited mood and somehow it got an answer out of him. He said I analyse too much. Sching ound like someone from Dawson's Creek. Burn! I like that I've got friendlier as I get older and get different reactions out of people.
Ok, I'm currently watching this but also in the background is the film Definitely Maybe. I want to quote the line they quote from Jane Eyre. So I've just rewound. To the bit where Will is getting completely wrong telling April he likes her.
Which reminds me I've worked out I lost it that Saturday night I sat on the sofa opposite G*** reminded him of the THursday work Xmas party before and over-talked. I thought I was being, fuck knows. I was happy at the time with the laid back way I brought up him briefly dating someone I'm still friends with. (Oh shit hilarious used the line 'we don't have any rose tinted spectacles about each other do we?' To partially mitigate myself he'd brought round stuff to smoke and I'm a lightweight since most of this year I've taken a break and haven't bought my own since I think month of March). (Laid back obviously not the case, it's telltale behaviour, showing I'm anxious. And I think when I relate to people I need to get into better habits of showing them not telling them and communicate my message with my whole being. It's better if I'm being honest with myself).
Really I wanted to know what he thought but left no space for that. Of course I had re-read the thing I'd written about the time I realised he wanted a goodbye hug when I hadn't been thinking about it, then gave him one and it revertebrated through me. That added to the not being able to stop thinking about him thing. I've lost it since then again and again trying to come up with explainations to dismiss feelings I'm having. Really if I was deciding to be sensible and had to convince myself then the ticket should be to not acknowledge it and certainly not give it space and let it reduce in size. Which will be the technique I will continue to adopt from now on. If I torture myself over my cringe worthy moment today that is once again increasing it's status. Like, at the moment, there is little chance me and G*** will remain buddies who see each other if I get a new job, so why worry about someone who will simply be an old acquaintance in time to come?
Anyway, the Jane Eyre quote:
"The human heart has hidden treasures
In secret kept, in silence sealed.
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed."

I think I'm done here. I guess this encapsulates my New Years Resolution. And I don't mean don't think too much. It was going to be to be kind to myself.

I was just writing this for the sake of writing but I have now decided to blog it.