Still water runs deep

I love my blue hat.
But it only works when my hair is worn down.

Me "So we're both just chillin tonight. Would it still be an easy evening if i'd invited you over? Or was I right and you'd have said no it's a hassle cuz of transport?"
Him "I could pop over if you fancy. don't mind"
Me "Leaving it up to me, feel the power heh, yeah come on be sociable."
Him "Ok, I'll be half hour or so."

Me "That did not just happen. But if it did it would have been fucking good."
Him "Haha yeah probably. But just friends though, yeah?"
Me "Excuse me, do I look like I'm co-operating with my own bright ideas right now? No. I'm having stoned fantasies where you're pushing me against the wall."
Me "'That's all I've got' in fucking deed. Ha!"
Him "Behave woman! Thought you were happy not to fuck things up by something happening?"
Me "Hm."
Me "Hm. Possibly think we could reduce our friendship to using each other anyway. I'm feeling very demanding."
Him "Cold shower time for you girl!"
Me "You're not enjoying this for the right reason text whore. X."
Him "Behave! Read these tomorrow when you're sober!"
Me "Shit. No. Don't ever tell me about anyone about me like older-woman-who-came-on-to-him-at-work-party. And P.S"
Him "Don't worry I won't say anything. Said some open things in the past after a few myself! Night"
Me "I'm still pouting even though my persuasion has got me nowhere."
"Night."
Me "P.S no need to reference that i'm not sober. I'm super uninhibited and can admit to that myself it just doesn't stop me wanting my own way. But I am gonna stop now."
Me "It's great the way being stoned slows everything down. I went from a stage of thinking, hm, jealousy, to humiliation, hm, i still want to ask what you would have done if i'd pulled you towards me. But actually I had already been more than obvious."
Me "Ok I'm not going to feel better unless you come over to watch star wars tomorrow so that I can prove I can keep my hands to myself"
Me "Actually you could have done me the courtesy of being a sure thing after Thursday. Funny? Goodnight. Sorry"
Him "Haha sorry! Night"
Me "I meant to say forgiven? Rather than funny. But that worked too. Bye."

Him "Hi how's things this morning?"
Me "Ha. Just woken up. Slight headache. Utterly grateful to you. Obviously need to go on a few dates. I didn't think I was bothered but... Heh oh god. Mortifying. It'll be a brilliant anecdote but I think I'll give it time first."
Him "Haha yeah, thought you were going to tie me up to stop me leaving! i'm meant to be watching sw at diz's but i'll let you know if that's off"

Him "This film has the worst screen romance in the history of cinema. But the start and end are good"
me "Just this second got in from local-nature-reserve-where-'d-gone-for-a-walk-with-my-sister-neice-and-sisters-husband and turned it on. The chancellor is creepy."
him "Do you not know who the chancellor is?"
me "Yes I do."
him "That's why he's creepy. Baddie. Boo!"
me "Nice move Obi Wan"
him "Cant you just feel the chemistry there."
me "Hayden Christianson can't act for toffee. In jumpers he was completely outshone by Jamie Bell. anyway, give me ewan mcgreggor anyday over pretty boy."

me "Ooh Nice house. Ooh Nice retreat."
him "Sure is. Bloody news"
me "Amen"

About 5.30pm:
Text from B* "wOULD YOU LIKE 2 COME ROUND 4 TEA. i'Ve cooked too much gammon! No worries either way which hope u well x"
me "Sounds excellent. Just finished work will make my way over."
Text from G***: "Up for a drink?"
me "I need alcohol."
G*** "I have a litre of whisky"
me "dude that works"
B* "grand see ya soon x x"
G*** "Pizza?"
Me "Hm, better than my current offer (gammon but with d* & the b* as compensatory company). However I veto Papa Luigi's. Yours or mine?"
G*** "Yours. No 4 year old at yours."
Me to B* "Bollocks. I've been asked for a drink by G*** and I really want to go, do you mind?"
Me to G*** "K. I'm not on the bus yet though."
B* "Not at all have fun!"
G*** "That's ok. Let me know and i'll phone a taxi when you are."
Me "Oh my god save yourself a tenner and get the bus yourself! It's direct!"
G* "That one we used goes along T*** Road, it's the one from work that's direct isn't it?"
Me "Ah that's the one in the opposite direction but dinna faff you spendriff "
G*** "!
See you later then."
Me "I'm home."
G*** "Ok I'll be half an hour."
Now 6.42pm. Hasty tidy up must commence.

I'm fine to carry on.
I only chatted shit failing to paint the picture I intended, on one stand out time today. It was something about J* (SLASH D****) arriving in each room after me at the New Years party last night and wanting a moment I wasn't going to give him.
It sounded too heavily like I was getting at something so therefore didn't convey what I took from it. I wish that only E* had been there and G*** hadn't also come outside work for a cigarette at that time.
I wonder if I can convey now why I felt the moment was significant, a story worth repeating. It's that J* put me in that position. And I wish my behaviour had been completely graceful when I recognised it. And for instance, it's disrespectful to repeat the story to E* unless she understood it was partly about the human condition, because of some delightful awkwardness, when S* interrupted to get radiator heat so stood between us, then S (told me later) saw a dirty look from J*. S was really obvious about leaving us alone when he scarpered away.
Like a self fulfilling prophecy. Or like not thinking before I spoke. Somehow in telling the story as G* was there to witness. Oh it just went wrong. I said I felt bad for J. Which I did. But I also said I wasn't trying to be arrogant thinking he was following me around. There was no delicacy to what I said. I was conscious it could be read by G* as comparison from me rejecting J** to G* rejecting me. So it became like that. It was light in my head, but like collapsed souffle on my tounge.
Despite this, I feel I am fine to carry on moving away from such behaviour. One aberration does not mean I never have any control over myself. (I did not text him at all New Years eve). (And I'm not bothering to second guess why when he was off the phones he chose to delay going on break to the same time as me. Maybe my performances are amusing like a horror show, but anyway it doesn't mean something and I don't think there's any worth in forcing meaning in there).
I need to be cool. Let's face it. What's the point of chasing the idea of someone. They need to see something in me. Love the fact I can roll like a pro. Love that my hair is different every day. Love that sometimes I have to think outloud and make a fool out of myself. And I guess am painfully genuine. Understand I'm not trying to lecture when I sound painfully sincere, that I'm usually trying to convince myself of something. Who can remind me I'm not always like that and who brings out my relaxed side where I don't hate everything I say and can banter. I need to get to a place where I can allow someone to get that close to me.
I actually asked M*** the other day what the dealbreaker is with me. It was brilliant because I was in a really uninhibited mood and somehow it got an answer out of him. He said I analyse too much. Sching ound like someone from Dawson's Creek. Burn! I like that I've got friendlier as I get older and get different reactions out of people.
Ok, I'm currently watching this but also in the background is the film Definitely Maybe. I want to quote the line they quote from Jane Eyre. So I've just rewound. To the bit where Will is getting completely wrong telling April he likes her.
Which reminds me I've worked out I lost it that Saturday night I sat on the sofa opposite G*** reminded him of the THursday work Xmas party before and over-talked. I thought I was being, fuck knows. I was happy at the time with the laid back way I brought up him briefly dating someone I'm still friends with. (Oh shit hilarious used the line 'we don't have any rose tinted spectacles about each other do we?' To partially mitigate myself he'd brought round stuff to smoke and I'm a lightweight since most of this year I've taken a break and haven't bought my own since I think month of March). (Laid back obviously not the case, it's telltale behaviour, showing I'm anxious. And I think when I relate to people I need to get into better habits of showing them not telling them and communicate my message with my whole being. It's better if I'm being honest with myself).
Really I wanted to know what he thought but left no space for that. Of course I had re-read the thing I'd written about the time I realised he wanted a goodbye hug when I hadn't been thinking about it, then gave him one and it revertebrated through me. That added to the not being able to stop thinking about him thing. I've lost it since then again and again trying to come up with explainations to dismiss feelings I'm having. Really if I was deciding to be sensible and had to convince myself then the ticket should be to not acknowledge it and certainly not give it space and let it reduce in size. Which will be the technique I will continue to adopt from now on. If I torture myself over my cringe worthy moment today that is once again increasing it's status. Like, at the moment, there is little chance me and G*** will remain buddies who see each other if I get a new job, so why worry about someone who will simply be an old acquaintance in time to come?
Anyway, the Jane Eyre quote:
"The human heart has hidden treasures
In secret kept, in silence sealed.
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed."

I think I'm done here. I guess this encapsulates my New Years Resolution. And I don't mean don't think too much. It was going to be to be kind to myself.

I was just writing this for the sake of writing but I have now decided to blog it.

I feel so ugly. I feel so powerless and dull and self-destructive. And stupid. Less than a person. No wonder I'm single. No wonder. I fake all the time. I fake being happy. I fake confidence. Because it makes it better, so my life isn't a complete nightmare. But I'm losing my grip at the moment. I can't seem to persuade myself. I fill my time with displacement activities. Smoking. Watching telly. Watching DVD's. Reading. I can't seem to help myself. I list in my head things I need to do. But it's barely more than I can do to get out of bed. Showering. Brushing my teeth morning and night. Making myself food. Wearing clean clothes. That's about as much as I manage. Going to see A Midsummers Nights Dream in the park. Going to the pub quiz. Cooking for B* and D**. Picking up teabags for T and T* because I always have a cup of tea when I go round there. Making it to N****s birthday meal - when others don't. I can manage to do things for my friends. By all appearences I'm holding things together. But I can feel they're not. Changing my sheets regularly, never having a bare mattress. Doing facemasks twice a week. At least I'm not a stoner anymore. If this down had hit while I still was I would have managed to lose my job. As it is I know I've been late a few times. It hasn't been picked up on yet. But what am I fucking doing getting taxi's to work? I've managed to get up in time. But I just can't bring myself to leave the house. Must blow dry my fringe. Must cover up fucking skin. My god. I cried at a cancer research advert earlier today. And I'm not pre-menstrual. I did 25 sit ups. Whoopdy fucking do. I did the washing up. I emptied my bathroom bin. I got dressed long enough to go to the shop and get rizlas. Which is an improvement on yesterday when I thought about having a cigarette for four hours but didn't go to the shop to get tobacco until 5pm even though it's across the fucking road.