Still water runs deep

"I've always been bad at arguing. Cassie was always good. I preferred it that way. She was always convincing me to do things I didn't want to do. I convinced her of nothing. I didn't mind - I didn't want the responsibility. I knew - from my own experience of being convinced - that while it is possible to win people over to your opinion, this is only a good outcome superficially. Because after a while, some tiny thing will go wrong, at which point they will revert to their earlier viewpoint, and resent you for bullying them out of it (and for exposing their weak will - so you won't have won after all).
If Tim didn't want my children then I wasn't going to argue. I just wouldn't have children.
I informed him that I'd return the following day to collect my thesaurus, my thermal vest, and other essentials. It occured to me that I now had the rest of my life to correct the nation's grammar. I should feel grateful that - at least, within my head and possibly a notebook, in which I'd detail each mistake and my amendments - the world would now be orderly, regulated and error-free. i also had to think about keeping myself warm, as there was no one else to do it. The next afternoon, I found my belongings in a plastic bag on the doorstep."

Our first person narrator for that chapter, Lizbet, walks away from the house with a face like a barracuda, and as the story resolves she reassesses her relationship with her sister Cassie, and fixes the hurt she caused Tim, and even how she is relating to her miscarriage and her attitude/admits to her desire to try for a family. It's a involving book with a happy ending.

I would like to quote all the critics praise, just one "powerful without being didactic, moving without being sentimental, riotiusly comic without being superficial", but you can pick up the book in a bookshop and look inside the front page if you are still interested.

Damn you all.
More, more, more - I will become demanding and petulant *trys to give threatening look* *result:squinty*

Fell asleep on the sofa earlier, think was only for half an hour though, woke up about 10.30pm and have not yet been successful falling asleep in bed. I wasn't reading by the way (well, tiny bit of Marian Keyes Rachels Holiday) have had light out since like 11pm.
So I'm up and blogging!
Plus, having Samantha from Sex-In-The-City problem for last few months, have lost my O. Very perplexing. It's a guarranteed sleep bringer as well, so annoying.
Just rolled and smoked my fourth cigarette for the day. And blatantly going to have a fifth when I type the next post (another book extract which caught my fancy). Only had two yesterday, but this isn't exactly quitting. Let's see how tomorrow goes, just trying to remember what it was like when I was a non-smoker. Incidentally although I said rolled I am not talking about joints, I may have mentioned in my last need-to-sort-myself-out-posting about a month ago that I'm giving myself a lifestyle change. Hasn't been absolute, but all attitude and defiance of own suggestions has been thoroughly enjoyed treat. Along those good intention lines, have not have any crisps or chocolate since before the weekend now, only just realised, yey. Have not dumped the-lanky-streak-of-piss yet despite having wobbly-commitment-phobic-over-critical moment where I was like "what the **** am I doing, he's not right, this will end badly" instead I calmed the hell down and am going with the flow, and it worked as gave me time to go "oh yeah, there, that's some of what I like in him". Will make packed lunch again for tomorrow - as my real reason against the temptation of the canteen and snacking is money might have to be like some virtuous dieter and take raw carrots to snack on. My stomach was making squeaking sounds today - I swear it was audible as it shrunk. Can't be having with that.
Hm, took little tupperware container of cut up baked potato covered in pepper with grated cheese, and copious amount of peas in today*, t'was luvverly.
Maybe pasta and tabasco sauce and cheese tomorrow, ran out of peas though *see above. Carbs (is pasta carbs? starchy empty calories anyway) and dairy, this definitely isn't a diet.

Course at work today - in theory about learning styles. A lot of psychological guff, which I have to admit I love. Useful in light of my on-going battle to not be a depressive unmotivated git and get off my arse and do something to make myself feel better.
This trainer has a reputation, but didn't make anyone in our group cry (did in yesterdays group according to lunchtime gossip). He did explain exactly what he was trying to do to us though (plus maybe was holding back due to yesterdays experience) and how he wanted to get us to think and be open minded, and one of the many theorys he was messily scribbling on a flip chart was comparing remaining in our comfort zones to a green stagnant pond. Nice use of imagery.
My head is all filled with all the jumbo-y mumbo-y-ness of whether our primary motivator is Acheivement, Affirmation, Power-Socialised or Power-Personalised, and having us place ourselves where we fit on the Victim, Spectator, Cynic, Player grid, choices and empowerment, etc. There were many more.
Always nice to have some new ideas to explore the way people relate to each other. I can easily see what I'm missing, defensive questioning sounding like I have an agenda, giving power away, not turning understanding of other peoples motivators into influencing. Blah. Not entirely new thoughts about myself, and I've gone all poncey again.
The thing is, a) I've been a bit lazy in the past, following the meek path of just trying to be nice and not admitting my own competitive side and b) felt a lot of things were out of my comfort zone so though you won't know how the hell I can be like this still, it is true that I've made some strides.
Ha ha, victim excuses.
we also got warned we limit ourselves
and that pessimists think they are realists.

I'm still not thinking of my audience in my blog, I am aware
It is indeed my life.

I'm afraid one of the tasks in the workbook we got left with was to write down ten nice things about yourself, something it is somehow cringeworthy to commit to sincerely try and do. However:
1. I'm generous

ok, no, I'm going to try and be too accurate
so I'm just going to be lazy and cut and paste facebook honesty box messages:
October 21st: from a boy: "Too hot"
October 16th: from a girl: "You're funny as fuck! Rock out Josie stylee!!"
October 10th: from a boy: "I think your fun, but you need to relax a bit and not worry about what other prople think of you or what you think of you! life is for the living so dont over analysis everything and i think you will be much less stressed! plus I think your pretty!! :-)"
October 8th: from a girl: "Hi Sexy lady!

You looked amazing on Saturday X x"
September 24th: from a girl: "Josie King is a fox!"
September 10th: from a boy: "aah, Crazy Josie..."
July 24th: no gender colour highlighted: "Pretty, Witty, Smart, Sensible and down to Earth. What more can one say?!!! x"

I swapped shifts to work tomorrow and be off today, specifically so I could get uptown during the day during the week. Instead I slept until 3.30pm. It's obscene. I remember turning my alarm off at 9.30am. Didn't think I'd naturally sleep until that late.

My brother-nearest-my-age has bet me £1000 that I won't do the half marathon next year. Hm.
A) not that he'd have the money anyway
he wasn't serious
C) I'd love the look on his face if I did though.

So, was waiting at finish line of Great Eastern Half Marathon with lucozade and best cheering voice Sunday afternoon. My brother-in-law came in in I think an hour and 37 minutes, which I assume is good. I assume this because this man runs for enjoyment pretty much every day yet couldn't form a sentance for a good twenty minutes until after my-brother-nearest-my-age then my sister came in. Plus he had that lovely sweated-so-much-have-dried-salt-on-my-face look.
Retired to the pub near the river for a shandy or two, along with pat-sharpe-lookalike friend. (ah, image). I rewarded them with Terrys chocolate oranges. A worthy prize I feel.

I had lots of little journal-like things I was planning to blog - psycho woman at work - being 'officially' someones girlfriend - however our very small flat will be cramped in about 10 minutes when landlord and his brother (the-ginger-one-in-the-canadian-side-of-the-family) get back from the pub. (Oh my god, they just got back, giggling wenches, the telly immediately went on and the crate of beer is being raided as I type). Therefore I am just going to leave with this:

... If my mobile wasn't so retro that it didn't take photos...
the bit from 5:00

So many many youtube clips of Simon. Do I post one with the added pleasure of Bill Bailey (a great combo on Never Mind The Buzzcocks I feel) or with the lovely Miquita Oliver on Popworld, or by his glorious self?

Did anybody else find themselves counting the "he's cute's"?

My favourite is the Brit Awards 2005, but I've blogged that before. Bugger it, I'll blog it again:

*edit, didn't deliberately just put Simon instead of Simon Amstell in the first sentance, but it's amusing me. Of course, I have been primed for laughter by watching someone actually funny.

I'm enjoying my day off pottering around doing stuff.

My sister just popped round for lunch (and for once my cooking wasn't a disaster, it met with approval) and turns out I left Douglas Coupland Girlfriend In A Coma round hers - she took it on holiday with her, cheeky bint. I'm gonna need to start it again from the beginning.

Tips for Life
Numero Deux

Want free batteries? Complain to cable box provider that remote isn't working because of it's age, they send a new one with batteries in it, batteries can be removed and remote sent back.

In Other News
My cousins a nincompoop.
He genuinely believed it was the age of the remote, and only realised it was the batteries in the old one once he'd received the new one.

Y'know, last time I did a tounge-in-cheek tip for life (with the eat baked beans with a spoon onto the toast at a time rather than soaking the toast through by plonking them all on at once), I don't think anyone realised that the 'in other news' about the latest minute change of plan to the wedding outfit was connected.

Even though I'm on late shift tomorrow I should be in bed now,
here's a little of what I've been listening to:

...because of this evenings date.
I don't think I'm being a fool, but even if I am I don't want to know. Right, no second guessing!
Damn me being on late shift until Friday.

Todays food diary:
Shandy Bass
Cheese & Onion Hula Hoops
vimto
Worcester Sauce French Fries
lots of water
mince and chips for lunch
half pint of shandy
pint of shandy
shared guinness
pint of fosters
lamb&mint burger and some chips

I'm in the habit now, sorry.

An apple
third of a pizza hut spicy meat pizza

Just got home.

Was battered earlier. Have had muchos bonding while mashed. I love my mates. Really Really RSLLY love them.

In other news,
discovered the-lanky-streak-of-piss is not all ribs and skinny under his t-shirt there is a bloody six pack! Very unexpected.
Discovered this while cuddling and kissing around 4am in one of the bedrooms. My friends may assume more happened but we were getting on really quite well and mostly we were talking.

Guess you don't stop being insane all at once

I say this because on Thursday morning I woke up late, didn't make the 7.01am bus, and so got a taxi (arrrgh, the money, I resent it £12 bloody quid), got to work 7.30am, couldn't get any breakfast as needed to be on the phone at 8am and the canteen staff don't/won't open the till until then, and the vending machines all needed exact change, at 9am a team leader came up to me saying "oh Josie, did you log in at 8am, you didn't need to be in until 8.30"... I probably didn't get enough sleep the night before, and sat there at my desk starting to feel this ball of something build up inside me, and my eyes starting to water. I've called myself pathetic before, I know, but insane over-emotion. Took myself off to the bathroom and had a bit of a tissue dab at the eyes and felt much better.

Scabs

Last Friday my hand got caught behind a bathroom door getting slammed open, split the skin of my first finger down the first knuckle where it meets the palm, had a lovely purple bruise, been fascinated all week watching the skin draw together, have a tiny line of deep scab left, yellow in colour, with pink raised scar tissue around it where it is visibly getting smaller and healing. Isn't the body an amazing thing?

Possible game playing

I'm tempted to record all my text messages but that's extremely sad and what I did when I was 17 and first got a mobile and wcouldn't bear to delete them (as if they were meaningful).
Think this isn't so much game playing, just not my usual obliging attitude, but it's working, I feel good about it and me.
The-lanky-streak-of-piss who I had a nice date with on Monday after having a bit of a kiss on Friday is skint, fair enough, so I left it up to him to suggest doing something, he gets in contact and asks if I'm coming out to the club Friday next week. My thoughts are, not until then, a club, playing gooseberry to your mates? This thing has no momentum and is going to die on it's arse. If he's skint I'm happy to hang out, but he is either not enthused, or game playing, or lied about being single to be that unavailable. Yeah, I've got a bit of an attitude but it's healthy. Then miraculously he suddenly has money and is suggesting tonight (this was yesterday) but I have plans. China-girls houseparty. I don't immediately invite him, because I'm going to know quite a few people from the various groups, and would be throwing him in the deep end. Arrive round china-girls on the way home from work yesterday as she is borrowing my camera to take pre-party photos so that she knows where to put everything back.

By the way, her house party is going to have a setting really rather similar to this:

she is my poshest mate. Or most well off, can't say posh, her mums a Quaker, and her dads family are Polish Jews, they're just well off as both doctors and worked hard.

Anyway, she says "invite him, invite him!"
So I text him. He says he doesn't think so, for the reasons I hadn't invited him in the first place. My response is basically Pffft, go with the flow, and now he's coming along. I will need to keep him away from my welsh friend though, incase she starts suggesting couples dinner partys, as they are her scene, don't want to scare the poor lad away.

Ah, was round welsh-girl and sprite-boys on Thursday after a painful shopping experience with welsh-girl (man, she has no taste in clothes, colours woman, colours are good try something new!), and she was laminating. The key thing, she is a good person, but man, her middle class pretentions and fake laugh.. sometimes I just want to tell her to calm down, she started going out with sprite-boy three years ago, I'm her friend in her own right nowadays, I don't need her to laugh every time I say something amusing, smiles and a story in response would suffice. It's like she's inviting me to pick on her, but it's unfair to get irritable with someone just because they're an easy target infuriating, because when it comes down to it, what matters is the person she is, and the sweet things she does for those she loves. And if I gave into temptation it would drive her behaviour further down the anxious path. I mean, I could be the pot calling the kettle black for criticising her.

Welsh girl and Sprite-boy (and my housemate later) all said NO very definitely as I was considering taking this dress back as it cost £60. (it makes my hockey player legs look long and slim which is why I bought it). It's a bit dressy, blue silk, with quite a cleavage, and a slit down the back framed with yellow streaks.

Also got a mustard yellow cardigan, bulky material, 3/4 length bell sleeves but with straps around the elbow. I'm in love with it.

Todays food diary:
2 apples
about to have baked potato with bit of grated cheese and bit of onion. might have a bit of oxo gravy on it. don't bother with butter if having cheese. the baked potato has been in the oven long enough for the skin to be LUSH.
Fruit salad to eat this afternoon while helping my mate clear her house ready for her party.
this evening I imagine I will be drinking lots and eating crap.
*edit - too much drink to list, mostly mojitas, some vodka shots playing the shot game, about a handful of doritos.

Yesterdays food diary:
best part of a bottle of red wine (round old workmates)
dinner: quarter of a home made pizza, very thin crust, little cheese, rings of peppers, GORGEOUS (courtesy of my cousin, stopped briefly when delivering china-friend at our flat to socialise)
some garlic bread
strongbow (round china-friends on way home)
cup of tea
lunch: chicken and sweetcure bacon with caesar mayonnaise sandwich, malted brown bread
misc/breakfast/at desk: ready salted french fries, quavers, twister chocolate bar, lucozade, cheese and onion squares, wotsits

Thursdays food diary:
lunch: cheese and broccoli soup, disgusting, with two wholemeal brown rolls.
can't remember what else I ate, it wasn't a big eat day
*edit, just remembered, had two sticks of pepperami, mmmmmmmm, and for tea the defrosted half of the chicken curry from last week with brown rice

Rocking in my seat:

and another song from the same album :

for this evenings boogieing.

The music at the houseparty will, unfortunately, be DJ-ed by proper music lovers, but hopefully there'll be fun stuff:

Anyway, right now I've just listened to this:

Whic two celebrities would you match make?

Youtube-age for your listening pleasure:

Apple
Sausage in mini baguette and hash brown in wholemeal roll with ketchup
ready salted french fries
icy lemon fanta
lots of water
pasta with tuna and cheese and peas
loads of fruit salads and black jacks (there was a tub to pick from)
snickers bar
chicken cashew nut carrot and peppers curry with brown rice
one cup tea (which I'm still drinking now)

I started watching Secrets Of A Call Girl. I don't think I'll be watching the series.
Critical mood.

Basically because I ate far too much.

Apple: breakfast.
and breakfast at work
McCoys Salt & Vinegar crisps
Multigrain Cheese & Onion Hula Hoops (neither of which were actually enjoyable, but went the machine and for some reason had to spend money and get something, and was too early for the canteen to be open for breakfast).
Pepsi Max
Crispy bacon in (unbuttered) wholemeal roll
Apple & Mango juice
slice carrot cake, Marshmellow rice crispie cake, chocolate rice crispie cake (why are home made, in paper cake cups, so much better?) from the Learning & Developement team, who were selling them for charity, and for some reason dressed Australian. Not sure how the food fitted into the theme but if they were trying to win by having the nicest food then who cares?
In front of me for the U.S of A of our team was about 5 varitys of doughnut, toaster for waffles, with treacle, pretzels, pastrys (some of which might still be there tomorrow actually).
Instead of having any of that I went back for another marshmellow and chocolate rice crispie things and accidentally got lemon cake instead of carrot cake which was extremely disappointing when I realised as it was the carrot cake that made me go back.
lunch: burger in wholemeal bun and lettuce/cucumber/yellow and green and red peppers salad
cherry coke
water
dinner: deforsted some home made spagetti sauce to have with pasta and grated cheese
a cup of tea.

I may have eaten a bit much.
My eating habits are horrendous when I'm at work.

Tomorrow I'm taking packed lunch, tuna with salad. Bless tupperware.

more food diary:
it's not because I'm dieting, it's just to make myself more aware of what I eat. which is working. I don't eat as much veg as I thought. Think it's because my flatmate is no longer on a diet so we're not doing salad and grilled chicken or salad and salmon every single bloody night of the week anymore.

Today:
apple for breakfast.
packed lunch: pasta, onion, tabasco sauce, cheese
insane number of cups of water
cheese and onion walkers crisps
salt & vinegar french fries
double decker bar
2 pints guinness
glass coke
cup of tea

Yesterdays food diary:
chicken/carrot/peppers etc curry (all lovely and red and glazed) with brown rice. yum yum.
3 cups of tea
lots of water

Bought new Terry Pratchett today (Making Money) YEY!!!!

Met up with the-lanky-streak from Friday today in town on the way home from work about 5.15pm, had a nice evening, ended up not getting the bus home until 9.15pm. Wasn't planned.

I was wondering beforehand if I just fancied him when I'm drunk (there was that fabulous but very drunken kiss last year one time), as very skinny is not my usual type, but he is rather appealing.
He reminded me of various moments when we saw each other bowling and playing pool at the end of a night out last year, teasing git. He said his mate wanted to try it on with me so he backed off. To be fair, I did like the-lanky-streak (though I don't remember sitting on his lap one time) but I met his buddy first and I actually think I thought the-lanky-streak was taken. There was never anything remotely intense about my association with his buddy, on either of our sides. It just didn't have any momentum, and I blogged about that at the time.

Tonight. One sober kiss, an ickle bit of hand holding while walking to another location, a soft parting peck. After he walked me to the bus station and we parted he sent the following text "Don't miss this one by the way ur sweet when ur sober too hehe".

I'm pretty pleased.

But that's my foolish-girly-side. I'm not going to dismiss my girly side completely. But... Let's see if anything comes of it.