Still water runs deep

USING ONLY ONE WORD:

Where is your mobile phone?
There.

Your significant other?
Home.

Your hair?
Head.

Your mother?
Dead.

Your father?
Vague.

Your favourite thing?
Comb. *Edit. Toothbrush.

Your dream last night?
Unrecorded.

Your favourite drink?
Tea.

Your dream/goal?
Energy.

What room are you in?
Stairway.

Your hobby?
Preening.

Your fear?
Looping.

Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Home.

Where were you last night?
Marquee.

Something that you aren't?
Ambitious.

Muffins?
Crumpets!

Wish list item?
GHD's.

Last thing you did?
Chatted.

What are you wearing?
Dress.

TV?
Downstairs.

Your pets?
None.

Friends?
Varied.

Your life?
Progressing.

Your mood?
Ok.

Missing someone?
James/Diego.

Drinking?
Nope.

Smoking?
Nope.

Your car?
None.

Something you're not wearing?
Girdle.

Your favourite store?
Londis.

Your favourite colour?
Blue.

When is the last time you cried?
Dunno.

Where do you go to over and over?
Tap.

Five people who email me regularly?
Email! In one word?

My favourite place to eat?
Maharani's.

Favourite place I'd like to be at right now?
Sofa.

Ended up stopping off at the pub on the way back from the train station last night and staying out late getting hammered. Two of my mates had said they were having a meal there and to stop off. Then bumped into another mate of mine and her bloke, then two work mates of the boyf's. Fun was had by all. The boyf was mashed, was very amusing. We had a little dance and sing in the street on the way to subway... er, like I said, we were a little worse for wear.
*Edit - one of my favourite bits of the night was him pissed in Subway singing along to Savage Gardens 'I want you'.
Word perfect.

I'm dressed and ready for the lesbian wedding now though the cousin says we don't need to set off til 3.45pm he was planning to arrive 3pm anyway incase I needed chivvying along

Due to extra time now questioning my outfit decision.

At the moment it's a white linen knee length dress with a rainbow belt and orange shoulder shrug cardy. But now think it makes me look ma-hoo-sive. Might change to the black dress with tulip shaped skirt. The black one shows cleavage. It's the high neckline with me boobs that means the white makes me look like a fat tart I reckon. I mean, I am a fat tart, but more of the tart than fat would be preferable.

What would you wear? I'm considering a silk scarf as well. I got a load more from a charity shop recently, got a bit of a thing for them.
Might wear folded as head band instead of jauntily round the neck trailing into the cleavage.

Had one of those moments day before yesterday and cut myself a fringe. Looks goooooood.

So, any outfit inspiration anyone? Unless you want to go 'ooooh' when you tell me your contribution isn't coming from the right place

Dark jeans with hem that looks like cuffs, navy fabric belt with fire buckle, thin longish pink t-shirt with three shiny stripes down the side in green pink and yellow with imbetween stripes diff shades same colour, fair isle style cardigan blue, diff blue, green, greeny brown & white. green glasses today.

I might put my green neon dangly earrings on before I head out.

Going to take more bottles to the recycling and pick up Indiana Jones and The Crystal Skull from the video shop. Popping into welsh-teacher-friends for a cup of tea before I go meet the boyf at the train station coming home from work.

Need to hang out a load of laundry before I go.

And try again to get the lid off a jar of plum sauce preserve (courtesy of the current housemate, who rocks). Doing chicken breast with mushroom and onion for tea. With oven chips. Classy.

Currently listening to an old mix tape entitled 'mum's mix' (9 years yesterday since she passed away), disturbingly enjoyable considering it includes Annie Lennox, Dire Straits, Cat Stevens, Gladys Knight, Peggy Lee, and The Cardigans.

I like the mundanity of my posts.
I would compose one with a topic, y'know, be a bit less ignorant.
However I prefer just to read Soy or MJohnsons. Or Barcardincoke's but he appears to have disappeared while I've been neglecting blogland.

I have previously shared some of my fave book passages. The following is from the book I finished today. Anne Tyler, Digging To America. It came free with Psychologies magazine which the boyf bought me yesterday (he knows how to treat me lol). I was fairly thrilled when I realised I had read another Anne Tyler book, Dinner At The Homesick restaurant, and eventually loved it. So this one I devoured. If I was so inclined I'd attempt a book review. Especially since it's style is not a Nick Hornby that I know back to front and with first person revelations to quote. So, anyway, here we are page 177 in my copy:

"Isn't it odd," Maryam said. "Just like that, a completely unknown person is a part of their family forever. Well, of course that's true of a birth child, too, but. . . I don't know, this seems more astonishing."
"To me, both are astonishing," Dave said. "I remember before Bitsy was born, I used to worry she might not be compatible with the two of us. I told Connie, `Look at how long we took deciding whom we'd marry, but this baby's waltzing in out of nowhere, not so much as a background check or a personality quiz. What if it turns out we don't have shared interests?'"
Maryam laughed and wrapped her coat more closedly around her.
They didn't speak again until they were in her car, merging onto the highway with the ticket booth behind them. Then Dave said,
"How about Sami and Ziba? Think they'll adopt another?"
"I suspect they feel that one child is all they can afford." Maryam told him. "What with the cost of private schools these days."
"They don't believe in supporting public education?"
She sent him a sideways look but said nothing; merely drove for several minutes in silence. Her profile, edged in silver by the passing headlights, seemed icy and austere, the long slant of her nose impossibly straight.
"Although I guess that's a very personal decision." He said finally.
She said, "Yes."
He felt a surge of rebelliousness. What right did this woman have to act so superior?" He said, "You know, it wouldn't do you any harm to indulge in a little to-and-fro discussion."
She sent him an even briefer glance and went back to watching the road.
"You could tell me for instance, the that Baltimore public schools are abysmal. I could say, well, yes, but if the parents are involved I still had some hope we could change things. Then you could say you didn't want to sacrifice your granddaughter's future to that hope. I could handle that! I wouldn't fall apart!"
Still she didn't speak but she seemed to be fighting back a smile.
"You act as if you think you're so right that you don't need to bother arguing," he said.
She said "I do?" and now she gave him a full on stare of surprise.

Ok. That'll do for the book extract as I need to get to bed now. I really enjoyed the following exchange about Christmas and belonging too though.

Stolen from Magical Mystery Tour

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss ... um. I haven't realised anything about it. It better not be my last.

2. I am listening to ... the laptop fan whirr.

3. I talk ... we talk, everybody talk talk.

4. I love ... giggling with delight. Sex. Him. Lots of stuff.

5. My best friend/s ... are my cousin and my brother my vegan actress friend and my two traveller friends

6. My first real kiss ... hm, real, so not a dare, in that case was probably with my best friend when I was thirteen before she dumped me. Though it was never admitted. So I think when I was sixteen at a house party, drunk, with a guy called Sam who went down on me then later when he thought I'd conked out spent an hour in the kitchen trying very hard to pull some other girl by discussing their predicted straight A's. Ur. Not a quality memory.

7. Love is ... entirely rosy at the moment. Usually I'd say many layered, complicated, tolerant, and probably refer to family love being important to me. But recently I fell in love for the first time since the first time. And it's wonderful. Simple. Easy. Feels meant to be. Can't believe I didn't fall for him earlier. I was blind.

8. Marriage is ... a good statement of intent, loyalty. Weddings I am in no rush for.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking ... I'll just flip over the pillow to get to the cool side.

10. I'll always ... have a past.

11. The last time I really cried was because ... genuinely can't remember.

12. My cell phone ... is often not reached in time cuz my bag is always full of rubbish.

13. When I wake up in the morning ... I'm supremely comfortable. And always have ridiculous bed hair.

14. Before I go to bed ... I brush my teeth and pee.

15. Right now I am thinking about ... how come it was so nice to have my boyfriend insist on kissing me before he went even though I would only let him kiss me on one side of my mouth - because although it's invisible I can feel a sore bit, pre-cursor to the dreaded cold sore. He's so funny, and affectionate. Mostly I'm not thinking. His face is all. Image just keeps floating back to front and centre. Honestly it's completely involuntary.

16. Babies are ... a bloody terrifying thought.

17. I get on Myspace ... nope

18. Today I ... enforced an evening off from the boyf (though he still popped in on the way home from work), which I have squandored in splendor, hence coming on here so late.

19. Tomorrow I will be ... having to eat the tupperware tub of sausage casserole before it's wasted.

20. I really want to be ... better.

21. Someone that will most likely repost this is ... no idea. I've been out of the blogosphere.

The dirty devil ones were getting a bit sweaty.

I love my blue hat.
But it only works when my hair is worn down.

Me "So we're both just chillin tonight. Would it still be an easy evening if i'd invited you over? Or was I right and you'd have said no it's a hassle cuz of transport?"
Him "I could pop over if you fancy. don't mind"
Me "Leaving it up to me, feel the power heh, yeah come on be sociable."
Him "Ok, I'll be half hour or so."

Me "That did not just happen. But if it did it would have been fucking good."
Him "Haha yeah probably. But just friends though, yeah?"
Me "Excuse me, do I look like I'm co-operating with my own bright ideas right now? No. I'm having stoned fantasies where you're pushing me against the wall."
Me "'That's all I've got' in fucking deed. Ha!"
Him "Behave woman! Thought you were happy not to fuck things up by something happening?"
Me "Hm."
Me "Hm. Possibly think we could reduce our friendship to using each other anyway. I'm feeling very demanding."
Him "Cold shower time for you girl!"
Me "You're not enjoying this for the right reason text whore. X."
Him "Behave! Read these tomorrow when you're sober!"
Me "Shit. No. Don't ever tell me about anyone about me like older-woman-who-came-on-to-him-at-work-party. And P.S"
Him "Don't worry I won't say anything. Said some open things in the past after a few myself! Night"
Me "I'm still pouting even though my persuasion has got me nowhere."
"Night."
Me "P.S no need to reference that i'm not sober. I'm super uninhibited and can admit to that myself it just doesn't stop me wanting my own way. But I am gonna stop now."
Me "It's great the way being stoned slows everything down. I went from a stage of thinking, hm, jealousy, to humiliation, hm, i still want to ask what you would have done if i'd pulled you towards me. But actually I had already been more than obvious."
Me "Ok I'm not going to feel better unless you come over to watch star wars tomorrow so that I can prove I can keep my hands to myself"
Me "Actually you could have done me the courtesy of being a sure thing after Thursday. Funny? Goodnight. Sorry"
Him "Haha sorry! Night"
Me "I meant to say forgiven? Rather than funny. But that worked too. Bye."

Him "Hi how's things this morning?"
Me "Ha. Just woken up. Slight headache. Utterly grateful to you. Obviously need to go on a few dates. I didn't think I was bothered but... Heh oh god. Mortifying. It'll be a brilliant anecdote but I think I'll give it time first."
Him "Haha yeah, thought you were going to tie me up to stop me leaving! i'm meant to be watching sw at diz's but i'll let you know if that's off"

Him "This film has the worst screen romance in the history of cinema. But the start and end are good"
me "Just this second got in from local-nature-reserve-where-'d-gone-for-a-walk-with-my-sister-neice-and-sisters-husband and turned it on. The chancellor is creepy."
him "Do you not know who the chancellor is?"
me "Yes I do."
him "That's why he's creepy. Baddie. Boo!"
me "Nice move Obi Wan"
him "Cant you just feel the chemistry there."
me "Hayden Christianson can't act for toffee. In jumpers he was completely outshone by Jamie Bell. anyway, give me ewan mcgreggor anyday over pretty boy."

me "Ooh Nice house. Ooh Nice retreat."
him "Sure is. Bloody news"
me "Amen"

About 5.30pm:
Text from B* "wOULD YOU LIKE 2 COME ROUND 4 TEA. i'Ve cooked too much gammon! No worries either way which hope u well x"
me "Sounds excellent. Just finished work will make my way over."
Text from G***: "Up for a drink?"
me "I need alcohol."
G*** "I have a litre of whisky"
me "dude that works"
B* "grand see ya soon x x"
G*** "Pizza?"
Me "Hm, better than my current offer (gammon but with d* & the b* as compensatory company). However I veto Papa Luigi's. Yours or mine?"
G*** "Yours. No 4 year old at yours."
Me to B* "Bollocks. I've been asked for a drink by G*** and I really want to go, do you mind?"
Me to G*** "K. I'm not on the bus yet though."
B* "Not at all have fun!"
G*** "That's ok. Let me know and i'll phone a taxi when you are."
Me "Oh my god save yourself a tenner and get the bus yourself! It's direct!"
G* "That one we used goes along T*** Road, it's the one from work that's direct isn't it?"
Me "Ah that's the one in the opposite direction but dinna faff you spendriff "
G*** "!
See you later then."
Me "I'm home."
G*** "Ok I'll be half an hour."
Now 6.42pm. Hasty tidy up must commence.

I'm fine to carry on.
I only chatted shit failing to paint the picture I intended, on one stand out time today. It was something about J* (SLASH D****) arriving in each room after me at the New Years party last night and wanting a moment I wasn't going to give him.
It sounded too heavily like I was getting at something so therefore didn't convey what I took from it. I wish that only E* had been there and G*** hadn't also come outside work for a cigarette at that time.
I wonder if I can convey now why I felt the moment was significant, a story worth repeating. It's that J* put me in that position. And I wish my behaviour had been completely graceful when I recognised it. And for instance, it's disrespectful to repeat the story to E* unless she understood it was partly about the human condition, because of some delightful awkwardness, when S* interrupted to get radiator heat so stood between us, then S (told me later) saw a dirty look from J*. S was really obvious about leaving us alone when he scarpered away.
Like a self fulfilling prophecy. Or like not thinking before I spoke. Somehow in telling the story as G* was there to witness. Oh it just went wrong. I said I felt bad for J. Which I did. But I also said I wasn't trying to be arrogant thinking he was following me around. There was no delicacy to what I said. I was conscious it could be read by G* as comparison from me rejecting J** to G* rejecting me. So it became like that. It was light in my head, but like collapsed souffle on my tounge.
Despite this, I feel I am fine to carry on moving away from such behaviour. One aberration does not mean I never have any control over myself. (I did not text him at all New Years eve). (And I'm not bothering to second guess why when he was off the phones he chose to delay going on break to the same time as me. Maybe my performances are amusing like a horror show, but anyway it doesn't mean something and I don't think there's any worth in forcing meaning in there).
I need to be cool. Let's face it. What's the point of chasing the idea of someone. They need to see something in me. Love the fact I can roll like a pro. Love that my hair is different every day. Love that sometimes I have to think outloud and make a fool out of myself. And I guess am painfully genuine. Understand I'm not trying to lecture when I sound painfully sincere, that I'm usually trying to convince myself of something. Who can remind me I'm not always like that and who brings out my relaxed side where I don't hate everything I say and can banter. I need to get to a place where I can allow someone to get that close to me.
I actually asked M*** the other day what the dealbreaker is with me. It was brilliant because I was in a really uninhibited mood and somehow it got an answer out of him. He said I analyse too much. Sching ound like someone from Dawson's Creek. Burn! I like that I've got friendlier as I get older and get different reactions out of people.
Ok, I'm currently watching this but also in the background is the film Definitely Maybe. I want to quote the line they quote from Jane Eyre. So I've just rewound. To the bit where Will is getting completely wrong telling April he likes her.
Which reminds me I've worked out I lost it that Saturday night I sat on the sofa opposite G*** reminded him of the THursday work Xmas party before and over-talked. I thought I was being, fuck knows. I was happy at the time with the laid back way I brought up him briefly dating someone I'm still friends with. (Oh shit hilarious used the line 'we don't have any rose tinted spectacles about each other do we?' To partially mitigate myself he'd brought round stuff to smoke and I'm a lightweight since most of this year I've taken a break and haven't bought my own since I think month of March). (Laid back obviously not the case, it's telltale behaviour, showing I'm anxious. And I think when I relate to people I need to get into better habits of showing them not telling them and communicate my message with my whole being. It's better if I'm being honest with myself).
Really I wanted to know what he thought but left no space for that. Of course I had re-read the thing I'd written about the time I realised he wanted a goodbye hug when I hadn't been thinking about it, then gave him one and it revertebrated through me. That added to the not being able to stop thinking about him thing. I've lost it since then again and again trying to come up with explainations to dismiss feelings I'm having. Really if I was deciding to be sensible and had to convince myself then the ticket should be to not acknowledge it and certainly not give it space and let it reduce in size. Which will be the technique I will continue to adopt from now on. If I torture myself over my cringe worthy moment today that is once again increasing it's status. Like, at the moment, there is little chance me and G*** will remain buddies who see each other if I get a new job, so why worry about someone who will simply be an old acquaintance in time to come?
Anyway, the Jane Eyre quote:
"The human heart has hidden treasures
In secret kept, in silence sealed.
The thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures,
Whose charms were broken if revealed."

I think I'm done here. I guess this encapsulates my New Years Resolution. And I don't mean don't think too much. It was going to be to be kind to myself.

I was just writing this for the sake of writing but I have now decided to blog it.